Am I the only one who has these feelings?
As I sit here, I think about the last 4 years. There has been a lot of changes going on in my life. I also wonder if things were different, how would everything been different. Normal things, I guess, humans think about. Four years ago today my father passed away. I wonder about him a lot as well.
Growing up was unique. My parents had a strained marriage, as kids we could tell it. Someone is seriously lying if they say it doesn't affect their children. My dad had a temper too. After being married for 35, mom and dad got divorced. When this happened, I tried to spend time with both of them. I had a strained relationship with him already. I tried to patch things and get passed it, I'm hardheaded like him.
More time passed. He had lost a leg from diabetes, and his lack of taking care of himself. He then was put in a nursing home. Things got worse. He ended up loosing the other leg too. He had dementia. It became harder to see him. He honestly just seemed like he didn't care about life. I stopped seeing him. Yes, I stopped seeing my father. I couldn't do it. I freaked out every time I attempted to see him. It would bring me back to my childhood, and the eggshells I lived because of his moods.
The morning he passed, I cried. A part of me was sad that I didn't fix anything. The other part of me was happy that he was in a better place, fully healthy. His funeral wasn't about the guy I grew up with. It was the guy my father was before the 1970's, or it was the face that he put on in public. I loved my father, but seriously he was a piece of work.
Today, i'm a peace with it. It took me a while to get to where I could say I was at peace with his passing. This past year actually. I've had many tell me that i'm going to regret how things happened. Maybe, Maybe not. Each person has a different view, and you never know honestly how a person's life is closed doors.