Zombies Take Over Country Music!
Oh no! In what seems to be a Halloween takeover, zombies have suspended on Nashville. Officials are warning area residents — and country music fans in general — to stay away from any artist suspected to have a taste for flesh.
An unidentified (really, unidentifiable) source tells Taste of Country that hundreds of ghastly creatures rose from their graves at midnight and began feeding on dozens, if not hundreds, of guitar-slinging, fiddle playing, previously beautiful singers like Taylor Swift, Carrie Underwood and Blake Shelton, turning them into zombies themselves. This is it, folks: it’s the zombie apocalypse!
Police are asking that country fans use extreme caution, as those with a taste for country seem to be the main target for those with a taste for eating people. Warning: Signs that read ‘Will play for food’ don’t mean what you think! Below are the most gruesome, vicious zombies identified by officials.
Suddenly, Blake Shelton’s hit song ‘God Gave Me You’ takes on an entirely different meaning. We fear for wife Miranda Lambert, but honestly, no one has seen her in days. Somebody check on those sweet pets that so trusted the superstar couple over the years. Save the puppies!
Carrie Underwood seemed so sweet, so trusting! Never did the beauty have a bad word to say about anyone — she doesn’t even eat meat! It’s hideous what she’s become… the first-ever vegetarian zombie, forced to eat dead grass and trees toppled by Frankenstorm. Even with a bag of hockey sticks, Mike Fisher doesn’t stand a chance against this seductive creature of the night.
George Strait had just announced a farewell-from-the-road tour before turning into a zombie, but the King can’t face his crowd like this. With 20,000 delicious fans in front of him every night, it’d be too a tempting a distraction for the ‘All My Exes Live in Texas’ hitmaker. Get out of Texas ladies — before it’s too late!
Taylor ‘Boyfriend Slayer’ Swift
We heard about the breakup, but has anyone actually seen Conor Kennedy lately? You know, alive and in the flesh? What a travesty to see Swift as a zombie — she was so young, so beautiful! So much talent has been wasted in a senseless urge to feed on human brain for eternity. Revenge never tasted so sweet…
Kenny ‘Chainsaw’ Chesney
Maybe it’s good that Kenny Chesney is now a zombie. On the plus side, one can probably score a pretty sweet house on the beach for cheap, as this blood-thirsty monster won’t be doing much sunbathing anytime soon. Ladies, we know it’s tempting to fall into his sculpted arms, but resist him like your life depends on it, because it does… Unless you’re into the whole ‘zombie bride’ thing.