10 Ways You KNOW You are an Adult at Christmas
Hey there. My name is Ashley and I am a thirty-something mom who doesn't give a crap anymore. I say thirty-something ONLY because I can't remember which year I am in. It's either five or six. Maybe even seven... not sure.
While I was laying in bed cyber shopping yesterday, I realized just how adult I am now. Christmas used to be about making fun crafts, going to church, and opening gifts! Yay childhood. But now I am the elf behind all the fun. And I'm cool with it all. It's just some days I realize just how 'adult' I have become. So, here are the top 10 ways know you're an adult this Christmas.
10 Ways You KNOW You Are An Adult at Christmas
1. You've Got Christmas Spirit and Everyone Knows It
I remember my mom wearing those ugly Christmas sweaters before wearing ugly Christmas sweaters was cool. Know why? She was an adult and she didn't give a crap about being hip. She had that CHRISTMAS SPIRIT!! Whoop whoop! Now that it's all trendy to wear your 1980s homemade sparkle puffy paint sweatshirts, I am opting to put a nose and antlers on my car because my six-year-old LOVES it. I am a hardcore Christmas mom. Do I look like a fool flying down the Lloyd Expressway blaring gangsta rap with a big red nose on my car and getting out to pick up an antler every time I open my window? Yes. Do I care? Nope.
2. You Ask For Gifts Like Bathmats and Scrubbers
Know what's on my Christmas wish list? Let's see, shoes I can comfortably wear to work, a lap desk for my laptop so I can work, bath mats, kitchen scrubbers, oh and look a lovely PAPER TOWEL HOLDER. Mmmm nothing says, I am an adult like opening your very own paper towel holder on Christmas morn! And shhh don't tell my husband - he's getting some lovely tools so he can finish our basement! Yay! Know what I got last year? A vacuum. I was thrilled. :o/
3. You Don't Go Party with Your Friends on Christmas Eve -OR- Ever
WHY NOT? Well, because you are flippin' exhausted from cooking, cleaning, buying, storing, wrapping, hiding, decorating, elfing on shelfing, watching, performing, entertaining, visiting, churching, singing, and smiling. YOU WANT TO GO TO BED SO YOU CAN GET UP WITH YOUR KIDS AT 5:30 AM TO OPEN GIFTS.
4. You Get Stuck with the Bill
I remember being 21 and when the bill came I pretended to look at the cool decoration in the corner so my mom would foot the bill. "Oh yea, that's a nice dead moose head... OH GOSH MOM, THANKS! I was gonna get that but... thanks!!" Now, guess who picks up the check. Me. I do. Me. Right here. Check, please.
5. You Stress Over Not Ripping the Wrapping
True story, I went to a baby shower last week and I stressed so hard over her pitching brand new bows and bags I almost had to turn away. I have an entire closet in my house dedicated to wrapping, bags, and craft items. Some of my bags are on Christmas number five or six. Plus, it takes a crapload of time to wrap your gifts - show some respect!
6. You Feel Like Dog Poop When You Get Out of Bed
Okay, so this can happen any time of year but the stress of the holidays brings it out big time. Yesterday, I woke up and I was like OH LORD, MY BACK. Yes, I pulled a muscle in my sleep. What is that? WHAT IS THAT? I injured myself in my sleep? Why? Cause I'm old.
7. You Look Forward to Work
Guess who doesn't have to look at her half decorated, messy house when she's at work? ME! Guess who dreads going home to the chaos? ME! I took the day off work to shop yesterday. Guess where I longed to be all day...
8. You Use Santa as Your Pawn
This morning, as I was getting ready for work, I started thinking about my daughter's annual trip to see Santa. I legitimately thought this in my head... 'Okay so I need someone to stall her while I go talk to him. He needs to chat with her about giving up a good amount of her toys to get new ones. How is this going to play out?' Then, I got a hold of myself and realized I can just dispose of the toys before she gets home from school. I'm also guilty of telling her that Santa is watching! Just the other day, we were in Walmart when a friendly UCabbi driver who resembled the Big Man crossed our path. She was being an especially big turd and I said, "LOOK Santa is RIGHT THERE and he's going to see how you are acting!" She rolled her eyes and informed me that he wasn't the real Santa even though he, God bless him, tried to give her a big HO HO HO. Curses, foiled again.
9. You Cry Watching Christmas Movies
True story, I watched the new Netflix movie Christmas Chronicles and CRIED, YES CRIED when the kid BELIEVED IN HIMSELF AND MADE SANTA'S REINDEER FLY. Don't get me started on It's a Wonderful Life. "You see George, you've really had a wonderful life. Don't you see what a mistake it would be to just throw it away?" BAWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW
Who am I anymore?
10. You LOVE Christmas Music
I remember my mom looking so forward to Christmas music she'd pull her Time Life Treasure of Christmas tapes out in like September and jam them in the grey minivan. 'This will NEVER BE MY LIFE,' I'd grinch to myself. NEVER. Well, guess what ASHLEY, adulting GOT YOU TOO. I drive a Ford Edge (which as much as we like to think it's an SUV is actually a mini van without sliding doors). It's sporting dorky Rudolph antlers and blaring My1053 THE TRI-STATE'S CHRISTMAS STATION. And I couldn't be happier about it. Merry Christmas, y'all.
And for all my Hanukkah moms out there - I see you too. <3