This week I am typing this mutha out in a cheap hotel somewhere on the outskirts of Louisville, Kentucky. For it is Derby weekend my dear friends! Unfortunately I failed to make prior arrangements at a more appropriate lodging facility closer to track. Because of this I am forced to write this report with nothing more than a shoddy Internet connection and a window air conditioning unit. Come to think of it, if I shovel a little dirt on the floor and turn up the TV to top volume it will be just like being there.

My advice to anyone planning a last minute trip to Louisville this weekend for any reason is that you might want to try Cincinnati? That’s’ as close as you’re going to get to this place this late in the game. Not even a silly hat and an extremely charming personality will get into any Louisville hotel lobby for more than five minutes.

But never fear… As your official Southern Indiana Affairs correspondent I am going to attempt to guide you through a Derby experience without having to leave your living room.

The first thing you are going to need is a beverage… and not just one. If you want to go the traditional route you are going to want to drink a Mint Julep. There are several recipes floating around on the Internet that explain the chemistry behind developing this beverage. Unfortunately, chemistry has never been my thing. So feel free to use my recipe for a similar drink, The Redneck Julep.

You will need: Kentucky Bourbon and a bag of Peppermint Candies.

 

 

Step 1. Eat one peppermint candy

Step 2. Drink one shot of Kentucky Bourbon

Step 3. Repeat

 

While mixing yourself a drink, the second thing you will need to do is play this song at the highest possible volume:

Another Derby tradition is the wearing of ridiculous hats. If that is your thing by all means do not let anyone stop you. Personally I prefer a pair of really dark sunglasses. It seems that after consuming four to six Redneck Juleps, the light has a tendency to get really bright.

The Kentucky Derby has been rendering ‘the unlucky’ broke for nearly 138 years. Losing money is as much a part of the tradition as the Mint Julep. So you might as well go for it.

You can wager online from your living room: http://www.kentuckyderby.com/

Who Do I Bet?

That’s tricky. Honestly, I’ve never won a safe bet that I’ve felt really good about. Wagering on a horse is not like investing in your 401K. A safe bet just doesn’t pay. Personally I prefer the long shot. To make these kinds of wagers is truly exhilarating. In fact, I can’t remember a time when I’ve made a bet on a long shot that didn’t almost end in a trip to the emergency room. This is a high stress game folks. Wagering is the sport of the true American daredevil!

For this race I like the 50-1 odds.

Optimizer (2) looks ok. In his last two races he finished 2nd and 9th.

Rousing Sermon (7) has a prayer, finishing 3rd in his last race.

Done Talking (17) finished 1st nearly a month ago in the Illinois Derby.

I might also consider a bet at 10-1 on Hansen (14). He’s finished 1st and 2nd the last four races he’s been in.

Now take a deep breath… you’re going to need it!